Oh my God!
I joined a dating app and I honestly thought that I was ready.
I loved the attention and talking to guys getting to know them etc. But when it came down to one guy wanting to meet up with me, I ran. I hid under the duvet in my bedroom and curled up into a ball. He was a great guy, and we totally got on, but I feel so horrible for backing out. I just couldn’t go through with it. I had so many thoughts going through my mind that they became all consuming, and too much for me to deal with.
Perhaps now just isn’t the time.
Or perhaps a dating app isn’t the right way of dating for me. I mean I was talking to a guy that I had met in person and felt much more comfortable with meeting up with him. Was it because I knew what he looked like, what he was like? Or was it just because I already kind of know this guy as we used to go to school together?
I don’t know.
But one thing I do know is that I was not comfortable with the idea of meeting up with a complete stranger! And I’m still not.
It’s funny isn’t it? You can feel really connected with someone over text messages, and the like, but when it comes to meeting up you completely freeze. I never thought that this would be a problem for me. I knew I wanted to start dating again, but perhaps it’s still too soon for me, in terms of meeting a stranger anyway.
Is it my own fault?
The problem for me is that I have a lot of criteria for a man to fall in to, and it’s partly because of the relationship I left, and partly due to being a single mum.
- You should be taller than me, preferably a stubble but not absolutely necessary. (I want to be able to wear heels and not be taller than the guy, I know this makes me kind of shallow? (is that the word) but I want to feel comfortable at all times)
- Be good with children. Obviously. I have a daughter and you should be good with children as I can’t be with someone who isn’t and who doesn’t want children.
- You should be looking for a long term relationship, NOT a hook up! Yes by opening up an online dating profile I instantly found men who were looking for just a hook up rather than a meaningful relationship. Sorry guys! I’m not that desperate.
- Live near me. I can’t move from the town I am in, or at least not too far away. My little girls dad lives in the next town along, and my whole family live close by, they are my rock, I can’t leave them to move to the other side of the country.
- You should be fun. Obviously! I want to have a good laugh, go out and have a good time, and not feel like someone shoved into the corner at a party, or like I am forcing a sense of humour out of you.
This is my criteria, but I feel like it’s going to be too much to ask for from a man. Men are simple beings and I have seen a lot of them already run a mile when they find out I have a child. And it breaks my heart.
Plans for the future
So whilst I failed at using a dating app, and actually feeling comfortable with meeting up with someone that I “met” on one. I think that meeting someone in person and having a connection with them (old school like) is probably the best way forward for me.
Part of me thinks that I am slightly reluctant because I know that my Ex is no where near ready to start looking for someone else, despite the fact that I am. I am looking for companionship and someone to spend the evenings with when my little one is asleep. I just want a best friend who is always there for me, rather than someone who is more interested in their work than their family.
Whilst I have been attempting to go back into the world of dating, I think perhaps for now I will leave it. I’m not eager to get back into a relationship, and the thought of it at the moment is quite paralysing. For now I will just sit and wait, something will come to me eventually. (Especially when this lockdown finally eases!!) And I for one, am incredibly excited to see what the future has in store for me.
Much Love xx